The Oscars for me are like McDonalds. I get a craving once a year, I know it’s not good for me and try and talk myself out of it, but every year I sit in front of the idiot box and gorge myself on the glitz and glam, and the shockfrocks that are the Academy Awards. But this year things were different, and there was a very specific reason to tune in.

For those of us with Greer lined bookshelves, this WAS a longtime coming. I always thought my beloved Miss Campion would be first. I think perhaps the Universe has unfolded as it was meant to. I loved Ms Bigelow’s speech, you could see her breathlessness and shock at what was taking place. And that she directed a film about war. And we’ve just had International Women’s Day. I’m thrilled.

So the only other reason to watch is the frocks. I though there were two best dressed this year.

Miss Bullock just looked stunning. Loved the frock, loved the hair, loved the understated jewellery. Talk about chic elegance.  And what a speech.

And then there is Miss Gyllenhall, who has just about the best fashion taste in the whole of the United States. I adore women who march to the beat of their own drums, who appear to be true to themselves. Miss G always stands out, and for the right reasons.

Other women who shone:

 Queen Latifah is a class act. For a woman who ran around in rappers duds, she has just become one of the most elegant women. Of course, I love Badgely Mishka with all my heart. A girl cannot mess up in a BM frock, she simply can’t.

While I think the earrings wore her, Cary looked stunning. Love the hemline on this frock.

Loved the gardenias in her hair.

Now for the misses.

 JLo wore bubble-wrap.

As did Amanda whatshername. I actually love both these dresses, particularly the sculptural lines on JLos. But seriously, don’t you just want to pop these dresses? (I wonder if Armani Prive told either women they were turning up in similar frocks?)

Had this dress been fastened to the neckband, this would have been one of my faves. The sleeve bands are stunning from the back, but the neckline is hanging loose and flapping around – if only it had been sewn to the sleevebands. SJP looked uncomfortable and awkward in it.

Now I know we are not allowed to criticise the High Priestess, and normally I wouldn’t, but really Mez, what were you thinking?

There is nothing I like about this frock. Nothing. The cut, the colour, the fit (or lack of). I quite simply loathe it, and hope next year Meryl goes frock shopping with Helen Mirren, who gets how to dress for her age.

But it was nice of Meryl’s dad to take her to the Oscars.

I sincerely apologise if you loved this frock. The colour is divine, but every time I see this frock, I piss myself with laughter.

There really were some appalling frocks this year, and some designers need to be arrested for crimes against fabric.(Except Armani, who used plastic). But far and away the silliest frock was this one.

 Truly, truly, truly aweful. Yet familiar at the same time. I think I’ve seen this before. Where would I have seen this monstrosity?

That’s right! On Nana’s toilet.

Other items I’d like to bring to your attention.

I have no idea who these peeps are, but that is one stunning frock. Look at that neckline! Hey Toilet Doll lady, this is how to dress.

Sigh. Mr SpunkyPants. Double Sigh.

 Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

Oh My God, it works!

Did anyone see this guy win his Oscars. He got two oscars for sound, but I couldn’t understand a word he said.

I think that’s about it, except to say, could George Clooney’s date have looked anymore bored? Although she was in the front row, so I guess she wasn’t able to take her crochet with her.

I’m going to leave you with one final image, which sums up the oscars for me.